I just finished reading the 428-page Wuthering Heights. So many thoughts are slowly making their way through the dusty, cob-web filled corridors of my mind. Many of them fighting to reach the bright center of thought, where they can take precedence and relay what revelation they have. Some of my problem is caused by the fact that it has been way too long since I last read a fiction classic; another issue I am having is that such deep and dark content has been consumed too quickly. I couldn’t help myself – I read the bulk of it in 3 days. It’s summer, the time for getting lost in a good book.

This book challenged me. I am mostly a magazine reader, I enjoy the practicality of it. If I can read (which I enjoy doing) and also get good advice about what to make for dinner or what to wear or how to decorate my home – GREAT. I am all about multi-tasking. But this novel just had nothing to do with me. The historical time period and the setting were somewhat foreign to me. The rural scenery and sometimes unfamiliar language made me feel an outsider. At first, there was not much I could relate to. Yet, I found myself getting lost in that story. The more I read about its main character, Heathcliff, the more I found myself confused and wanting to know him better. 

The other characters in the book, although I sympathized with them, seemed simple and maybe even stupid. I found myself getting frustrated with poor decisions they made. And by the climax of the book, which did not come till near the end of the story, I was surprised to find myself identifying more with the villainous antagonist Heathcliff. I am just at the beginning of uncovering the deeper meaning of this story, but one theme rings true. The idea of forgiveness. There are others, like revenge, coming of age, justice, good v. evil, family relationships, etc., but the theme of forgiveness is hanging over me like a veil. It’s like a veil because I am beginning to understand that underneath forgiveness there is something hidden, something that is worth knowing yet cannot be known unless forgiveness gives way to it. 

In the story, Heathcliff is introduced as an orphan and suffers many injustices. He eventually loses the love of his life, the only one he would ever be capable of loving. What happens subsequent to his loss, though, can only be explained as a gross exaggeration of revenge. His face is set as flint to destroy his enemies and even their offspring. It isn’t until the climax that you feel at all sorry for this passionately malicious man. In the end, he dies as only a villain should – alone and depraved. Why did I feel such sadness and regret for him? Why, though the denouement and conclusion were joyous and right, did I feel heart-broken for this character who had only sought evil continually? 

I think that Heathcliff is a raw example of mankind. He suffered. He was angry. He blamed God and others. He could not see his sin. He was unwilling to forgive. I found myself relating to this prodigal. In the beginning of the story it was easy to find him despicable. As the story unfolded, however, and the complexities of life and the sins of others revealed the story’s inner workings, I matured as a reader. I not only saw myself in Heathcliff, but I also began to analyze his decisions with this new knowledge. I could no longer say he was purely evil, yet at the same time I would never be able to say that it was his circumstances that made him who he was. Heathcliff, along with the other characters, helped me to see that the decisions we make, our reactions to life’s events (good or bad), our very temperament – they all reveal what is in our hearts. Our hearts are a product of nature and what we believe.

Heathcliff’s greatest problem was not his circumstance. It wasn’t even his adversaries. His greatest burden lay within himself. He did not believe in a good and sovereign God. His pride was his idol. Whereas other characters like Hareton had suffered just as greatly as Heathcliff, he was able to receive a renewed life because of his humility and open heart. Heathcliff was hard, stiff-necked. Even the love he sought was from a ghost, a source he would never be able to obtain. He pursued his idol with foolish fury, blind to the truth.

It is no wonder that Heathcliff could not forgive those who had taken his idol away. In his blindness and rage, he lost sight of the meaning of life. His idolatry was for one who had always eluded him in life. It was only in death – hers and his – that he realized he could win. His could not forgive life. So, in the end, his contempt for his overcame him. Un-forgiveness can eat away at a person’s heart. Heathcliff’s character displayed so acutely how his unrelenting heart had changed him from passionately loving to inhumane. 

This made me think about forgiveness a lot. I often wonder how is it truly possible to forgive those who have hurt you deeply. Forgiveness is like releasing something. I think of Heathcliff and how tightly he held to his goal of inflicting pain – nothing got in his way. He lived a miserable life for the pure joy of seeing others suffer. Then I think of Hareton who lived a miserable life, yet held a loose grip on it. His pride was not so great as to spur him on to revenge. His was not a life of vengeance, getting back at those who had hurt him, but one of quiet endurance. Meekness. Submission.

Could it be that the icon for an unforgiving heart is a stiff neck, fist pointed up to God; and the mascot for forgiveness is a bowed head? Foolish + prideful = unforgiving. Wise + humble= forgiving. It’s often obvious to me when God is speaking. What isn’t so obvious is how creatively He purposes His will so that certain revelations speak loudly. 

This was long and probably really boring if you have never read Wuthering Heights. My last thought is this – READ. Read a classic (I think the Bible is considered one, too) – you never know what you might learn on a lazy summer day. Thank goodness the deep things of God can be revealed in different ways, always clearly and never presumably.

It is Passion Week and I am so glad that I watched an animated movie about Easter with the kids tonight. When it first started, though, I sat there disappointed and a little judgmental. It was definitely a “B” movie and didn’t have the effects and graphics of a Disney production. Even Pokemon was better than this! I even grumbled at the fact that the movie used the King James version of the Bible for its Scripture references (so hard to understand!). Nevertheless, the kids seemed really into it, so I sat down to see how boring and bad this rendition would be.

I had just told Jeff how I did not like how the movie portrayed Jesus as the typical nice, white, Sunday school Jesus. It felt so odd to me to be watching a cartoon about Jesus Christ. But within 15 minutes into the movie, I was in tears.The story that was told clung very closely to what actually happened, used Scripture for reference, and there was just enough drama to make me fall in love with Jesus all over again. I felt the suffering of the Christ and the love that kept Him straight on His path to Calvary. For me.

After the movie, I put the kids down for bed but kept thinking about what I had just seen. Unfortunately, the movie was no Academy Award winner, and all of the “action” and “gore” were missing so that it would be appropriate for children. There wasn’t even a catchy song to enjoy. But in the end, it was the story of Jesus’s life, death, and resurrection that was so compelling. It was Jesus who made the movie good. What happened to Jesus was so wrong, so sad, and so unjust. But what happened to His people because of His death and resurrection was so good! This gospel is truly the best news on earth because from such sadness and injustice, rises hope and freedom and joy.

I don’t know if my children understood exactly why Mommy was crying like a baby as she watched a cartoon Jesus being beaten and crucified. I’m not sure if they felt sad because someone died, or because they understand that the best Man who ever lived, died a cruel and noble death for them. I’m not sure if I truly understand this and all that it means for me. I am ashamed to say that it took a cartoon Jesus to remind me of the real Jesus and what He did for me. It took a picture to point me to what is actual and true- that Jesus Christ, who is holy God, left His perfect life in heaven to come to earth to live as a man. He did this so that He could truly experience the pain of humanity, rid us of our sin, and suffer and die to guarantee eternal hope and life for those who love Him and believe in Him.

Don’t say that what you watch doesn’t affect you. Even an unsophisticated, childlike depiction of ancient history has caused me to think deeply about my very existence and purpose in life. I know that I might sound like a Jesus freak. If I do, my only regret is that I probably never sounded like one before. I am so thankful that I am celebrating Easter this year. I am meditating on the goodness and love of Jesus. I am in awe, again, by His strength which the world considered weak. I am humbled by his sacrifice which resulted in my greatest gain. I hope that as I sit at home tie-dying Easter eggs with my kids this weekend, that we will enjoy our time. What I really hope, though, is that they will ask me about Jesus, that I will have an opportunity to talk with them about the resurrection and why we celebrate Easter. They know that the Easter Bunny will never save them from sin and hell, but do they know who has? Sorry, that was a little dramatic. Jesus Freak. Actually, that sounds so pejorative. I think Christian is a much better description of me.

Tonight we celebrated Noah’s 6th birthday with family at our home (his real bday is the 23rd). After everyone left, Noah could not stop playing with his new toys and building his new Lego Ninjago snake house. He was so into it, so I took Megan and Seth upstairs to get washed up. Megan just turned 8 and Seth is 3, so I thought, Hey, let’s just give them a shower together, Kill two birds with one stone.

Seth has never displayed any curiosity or even acknowledgement of female or male differences in body parts. He just knows what he’s got and doesn’t care much about what others may have. After they were in there a few minutes, though, I heard him say very innocently, “Hey, Megan, where’s your gochu?” To which Megan started giggling uncontrollably. I was DYING inside, but said, “Seth, Megan is a girl. She doesn’t have one.” He kept looking and asked, “Megan, how do you go pee pee? Is it through your ddong-kko?” Sorry, this is getting a little ridiculous  Megan was laughing so hard now, that I had to stop the nonsense and say, “Come on, Seth, don’t you know where Megan goes pee pee from? It’s her belly button!” They both started cracking up, and I quickly ended the shower and got them out of there and clothed. No more co-ed showers for you!

It’s not that I’m surprised by the fact that it is 2012, but as I reflect on how life has unmercifully progressed, I regret not writing down the details. Seth started preschool this past week, Noah has started reading and is memorizing Scripture longer than I knew he could even say, and Megan has written and illustrated her first book I have been there with them through it all, and yet, I can’t help but feel like I missed out a little.

What I have been learning these days, and convicted by, is the fact that I need to be present as life happens. I am too often thinking about how to prepare for life’s next step that I miss out on the present reality. My most used words are “hurry up.” When I confess my guilty feelings to others, they are quick to sympathize and offer words of encouragement, stating the obvious that I am a busy mom of three kids with a church-planting pastor for a husband. Deep inside, though, I know that despite the busyness, a shift in my perspective needs to take place. My hope is that from now on I would be able to truly live my life. Sounds weird, but a lot of times I am “getting through” events in my day or checking off a mental to-do list. At the end of the day, I am thinking more about how much I did or didn’t accomplish, instead of picturing the sweet faces of my children and recalling my precious time with them.

Ok, so here I go . . .

Today was Noah’s first day of winter AYSO. I don’t know if it was because Noah knew most of his teammates from last season’s team or if it was the fact that Dad was his coach again, but he did awesome today! I feel a little unashamed to brag about him because what is awesome for Noah might just be normal or even below average for other kids. Last season, Noah was that kid who kind of stood on the edge of the field or even hid behind the coach (his dad). The one time he ran for it and really kicked the ball to make a goal – he kicked it into the wrong goal and scored a point for the other team. Oh gosh, that was a sad day for my boy. I literally felt his humiliation as he cried hot tears on my shoulder. But the joy and confidence I saw in him today brought such relief and I found myself just thanking God for the growth in him. As Noah’s mom, I know that no one is able to change my son’s heart except by the gentle prodding and encouragement of His spirit.

Seth is officially a student. WOW. Who would have thought that my little runt would be able to be in a classroom setting, following rules and listening to his teacher? Well, probably no one. The truth is, he didn’t quite do those things. No shocker there . As shy and evasive of the spotlight as Noah is, Seth is the complete opposite. He is loud. He is excited. And he will let you know it! I have to smile just thinking about how he literally hopped into class the first day. I am so thankful that God placed Seth with that particular teacher, though. She has been teaching preschool for maybe 15-20 years and all she had to say at the end of the first day was, “Don’t worry! He will learn the rules, give him time.” She said the same thing after the second day, and I decided that maybe I should stop asking her. If she’s ok with him, I should be, too. Oh, Sethy, you are just too full of joy! Just don’t sap her of hers, ok?

Megan . . . oh, Megan. Sometimes, right before I fall asleep at night, I think of my first-born daughter with such thankfulness and GUILT. I know that later on she will require much more attention and time (ahhhh, I’m scared of those teenage years!), but for now she is often my helper and definitely her brothers’ nuna (older sister in Korean). Still, I know the heart of my sensitive girl, and when she randomly mentions an incident from school that hurt her, I am ashamed to find out that it happened several days or even weeks prior. She just keeps things in her heart and either deals with them on her own. More likely, though, she doesn’t deal with them, and instead, buries them. She is too afraid to get someone in trouble or hurt their feelings, and even though I get mad and frustrated by her inability to be assertive, I am thankful that God has given her a gentle and sensitive soul. I love that she can express herself through writing stories and drawing pictures. Her first book was 43 pages long and she worked tirelessly on it until it was finished and illustrated. I have to admit, though, that I was sad to find out that it was Dad’s Christmas present, and not mine. What the heck?!?! I guess Mom’s the editor and Dad’s the gift recipient. I know how that works . . .

I learned something very important this week. Faith is not so much about believing in Jesus, as it is about taking a shower in His grace. A wise older pastor shared this truth and said that every morning when you wake up, don’t give yourself a pep talk about how you are going to try harder today or believe better. Just meditate on what Christ did for you and let the fullness of His love just shower over you and fill you. Faith is simply the conduit or tool for you to receive God’s grace. It is not the end, it is a means.

Ahhh . . . check! Wrote a xanga entry. One less thing on my to-do list. Just kidding

Jeff’s sabbatical has almost come to an end. Actually, he has already started working a little bit during the week. Before the sabbatical started we couldn’t wait for what we thought would be a vacation. Once it actually began, though, we soon realized that no matter the plans and expectations we had – life goes on. I ended up working more, and conveniently, Jeff took over some of my stay at home duties (ie. taking care of Tweedle Dee and Tweedle …). Let’s just say that in many ways both of us were more tired and grouchy than before our “vacation” started. Neither of us were totally in our element and what made me the most frustrated was the fact that the house was a mess all the time!

It’s been a little over two months since Jeff stepped down from his pastoral position at New Life. Thankfully, I can look back at this time with so much to be thankful for and so little to complain about. How and why God allows things to happen in life are a mystery, but hindsight is such a blessing. As I recall all of the events that have happened since the beginning of March, I can see how God was working to bring blessing to our lives.

In March, a dear sister in the Lord passed away from breast cancer. Obviously, it was a very sad time, but what I didn’t realize was how much her death would be used by God to sanctify me. I struggled a lot with fear, and at times it was overwhelming. I couldn’t sleep some nights wondering what I would do if I was diagnosed with cancer or if something happened to my husband or children or family. These morbid thoughts followed me for weeks. Then I read Hebrews 12:1-3.

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, 2 fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3 Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.”

Because of the struggle with fear and worry that I was going through, God spoke to me very clearly through this passage. CONSIDER CHRIST. Remember Him. Believe Him. Love Him. I was so comforted as I meditated on the love and grace that God showed me through Christ. I thought about what Jesus had to go through in order to secure my eternal life, and how much He loved me to do that. I began to remember that this world is not my home, that it is but a breath in comparison to eternity. It all became so clear. How can I have peace? Consider Him who endured death on the cross for me. Fix my eyes on Jesus. There are many things that I realized through the death of a friend, but this truth is most dear to me. It is what gives me hope and a future. I hope that as Maria rests with her heavenly Father, she knows how God has used her life and death to encourage me along my pilgrim journey.

It quickly became apparent to me that this sabbatical rest that we had been looking forward to was actually work. The amazing thing is, all of the working was completely by faith. In fact, it had nothing to do with our ability to do good, but it had everything to do with us holding tightly onto God as He accomplished what He had always planned for our good.

In reality, we have been busy these past two months. First off, we have been visiting a different church every Sunday. It has been good for us in so many ways. The kids are handling it a lot better than I had thought and we are learning and being stretched. Our 1998 Honda Accord finally left our family. After over 177,000 miles we were sad to say goodbye. Megan lost another tooth and so now she can whistle better than Jeff (not really, but she accidentally whistles when trying to say “s”; Noah is always trying to get her to call Seth’s name). I got to go away with a girl friend and spend two nights away from the kids for the first time ever. It was fun, but I missed my family so much! Jeff went to the Gospel Coalition conference for a week where God refreshed him and breathed new life into his passion for Christ. Jeff and I attended a weekend marriage conference which was great because of the information given, but also because of the time spent together. It’s unfortunate that this is the first time in 8 years of marriage that we have attended anything like this. We definitely want to go again!

With the church plant around the corner, I find myself excited some days and a little anxious other days. One thing is for sure. God is preparing me. I can’t stop meeting people wherever I go. Just today I met a 90-year old woman who lives a few houses down from me. We only spoke for a few minutes, but in that short time I found myself really wanting to share the gospel with her and getting to know her better. She confided in me that she was lonely and wanted to spend time with me and the kids. Um, can God be any more obvious in His will for me? I really hope and pray that He will give me faith and an unselfish heart to want to spend time with her and show her the love of Christ.

I am writing too much. I have a headache. This is what happens when the kids are sleeping, the house is picked up, and the husband is away on an overnight with his friends. Now it’s time for some physical rest. I am pooped.

Tripp talks about gospel replacements.

He calls these “isms” –
formalism – the gospel is reduced to participation in the meetings and ministries of the church
legalism- a separate “gospel” where salvation is earned by keeping the rules we have established
mysticism- the gospel is reduced to dynamic emotional and spiritual experiences
activism- gospel is reduced to participation in Christian causes
biblicism – gospel is reduced to a mastery of biblical content and theology
psycology-ism- gospel is reduced to the healing of emotional needs
social-ism – the grace of Christian friendship replaces Christ

I feel like I’m giving away the bible study that I’ll be teaching tonight, but this book really is convicting. I need to share.

“There is another, deeper reason why these isms are so attractive. Each in some way appeals to spiritual problems we need to address. First, they appeal to our self-righteousness. None of us wants to think that we are as bad off as the gospel says we are! We prefer to think that we just need some minor theological tweaking or more faithful church attendance to function as God intended. Yet the gospel says that no system or activity can provide what we need. Our sin is so great that only Christ’s work on the cross can rescue us.

These isms also appeal to our selfishness. As sinners, we like to be at the center of the universe. We like being the ones who control the agenda. Yet the gospel makes it clear that the only way to really live is first to die, and that those who strive to live, end up dying as a result. When the gospel is reduced to a catalog of isms where I choose the one most attractive and comfortable for me, I can participate extensively in Christianity without much personal sacrifice, and with my self, unchallenged, at the center of it all.

These isms also appeal to our environmentalism. We tend to believe that the sin that surrounds us is more dangerous than the sin that resides inside us. This is why it is hard for a husband to understand that he can’t blame his coldness on his wife, nor can the wife blame her bitterness on her husband, nor can their child blame his rebellion on his parents’ failures.

When we forget how desperate our condition really is, Christian activity begins to replace a heartfelt reliance on Christ and his grace. We get more excited about changing the world than we do about the radical changes of heart and life that the gospel promises because of Christ’s presence in our hearts.

These isms also appeal to our independence. It’s hard for us to embrace how weak, blind, and vulnerable sin actually makes us. We don’t like to think that we need wisdom and correction daily. We prefer the lie of our own self-sufficiency. Sure, we can recognize the blindness and foolishness in others, but we like to think that we are the exception to the rule. It is uncomfortable to see ourselves as needy and weak, but we are, and that is exactly why Christ is the only answer.

Knowledge of the truth and participation in church activities, when viewed improperly, can give you a distorted view of who you are. Knowledge of doctrine is not the same as Christian maturity and victory over sin. Participation in Christian causes should not mask the sin struggles going on in my heart at the same time.

To the degree that you forget you are a sinner, you will underestimate your daily need for Christ and the relationships in his body that are his tools of change.

We all know on some level that Christ must be our identity, meaning, purpose, hope, and goal. Yet our self-righteousness dies hard. We want to be at the center of our world, and we think we are capable of more independence than would be spiritually helpful. So we tend to reduce the gospel to comfortable elements, none of which do justice to the message of grace found in Christ.

Yes, this is a plug for the women to come out to bible study tonight, but it’s also something that really convicted me as I read it. It’s a little bit long (and took me long to copy down), but so encouraging and challenging!

from Paul Tripp’s War of Words book:

first read 1 Peter 1:3-9

“Peter tells us that there will be people who know the Lord, but whose lives are ‘ineffective and unproductive’. Their lives do not produce the harvest of good fruit that you would expect in the life of a believer. What has gone wrong? Well, Peter says these people are missing the essential qualities of character (Christlikeness) that produce a good harvest (faith, goodness, knowledge, self-control, perseverance, godliness, brotherly kindness, and love).

Peter says that when we and forget who we are, when we forget the magnitude of our sin and the glories of God’s forgiveness, we will quit pursuing all that we have found in Christ. . . You don’t look at yourself, as Paul did near the end of his ministry, as the ‘worst’ of sinners (1 Tim. 1:15). You lose your sense of gospel identity, and in so doing, any urgency for pursuing Christ.

 . . . Peter wants us to know that our greatest problem is not evil without, but evil within. Christ came to save us, not just from the temptations of this fallen world, but from ourselves! . . . However, people who understand the gospel not only rejoice in the deliverance from evil desires they have already experienced, but they sense their ongoing need for deliverance so that they can continue to live for him and not for themselves.

Peter’s second point balances out the message. The gospel is not just about the magnitude of our sin, but about the overwhelming provisions of grace found in Christ. Peter says that we have been given ‘everything we need for life and godliness’. Godliness means taking on the character of the Lord in my everyday life and relationships. Peter says, ‘Don’t you know that the poverty of your sin has been overwhelmed by the glorious riches of his grace?’ You have everything you need to live as God desires!

This is what produces a heart for Christ. I embrace the magnitude of my need, but also the lavishness of his provision. I want everything Christ has to offer me. I’m not satisfied with a little faith or a little goodness. I am not content with occasional moments of love. I do not want to keep struggling with self-control. I am not content with gossiping only a couple times a month. I do not relax because I don’t lash out in anger as much as I used to. I am not comfortable with the fact that I still tend to speak out of a selfish, bitter, or self-righteous heart. No, I hunger for more of what has been supplied to me in Christ!

This is the soil in which effective personal ministry grows.“

“What was behind these people’s pursuit of Christ? What did they really want? I do not believe that they pursued Christ out of a humble submission to his messiahship and a willingness to follow Him wherever he would lead. Their pursuit of Christ was born instead out of a love for self and the hope that Christ would be the one who would meet their felt needs. They were excited about following the King – but for all the wrong reasons.

“I am afraid that many of us respond to Jesus in the same way. What moves and motivates everything we do is not a submission to God’s will and a burning desire for his glory, but our own set of personal desires and dreams. We are excited about the King because we see him as the most efficient delivery system for those dreams. You can tell what really excites us when we fall into discouragement and grumbling, when He does not deliver the ‘good’ that we want. The lips that once praised now complain, and the lips that once encouraged now accuse. To avoid this we must learn to ask, Whose dream are we really pursuing? Which bread do we really want? Here again this struggle of the heart will shape the communication of our lips.”

This book is so convicting.
Women’s Oasis bible study meets at church on Tuesdays at 7:30 PM ~ come!